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there's something so impressive in the meaningless
(and something so special in you)
you're so mundane, it's like a whirlwind high
the apathy here just reeks of enthusiasm, god knows you're easy to please
the way you bore me, it's incredible, i don't know anyone quite like you
you're plain, but sometimes i think you're pretty
when you let your brows and toenails get too wild
oh, you make me wanna dance, girl
you make me wanna spin and twirl

and the world's just so dull, i think i might not make it,
it's times like these i hope that i die laughing
hysteria amongst the tedious masses
the only thrill i get from you is your teasing hands
brushing across the skin between my hips and my dissatisfied libido
i've gotten so hard to impress and you'll settle for anything
(just not for me)
one of these days i'll fuck this all
but not today, 'cause i still find you lovely
when i close my eyes and look at you
from my too-hopeful point of view

oh, you make me wanna dance, girl
you make me wanna spin and twirl
Current Mood:
uncomfortable uncomfortable
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life, it seems, will conquer me soon.
i'm not one to surrender, but i feel i'm being defeated.

the way everything feels...it's hard to explain.
i'm on a constant comedown, but i can't remember the high.
i feel rather gypped, really.

never before have i ever reached the state of desperation,
but it seems i'm reaching it now. and she calls me beautiful, says she loves me, intermittently gives me attention, and i'm so attention starved.
no one touches me, no one looks at me, no one flatters me, no one adores me, so i learn to forgive everyone in exchange for a glance in my direction.
we all have a breaking point, have i really reached mine?

i try to talk to amanda, but she doesn't understand. or she doesn't want to. i'm not sure. she says i think too much, but i've never considered myself very philosophical. she says i worry too much, everyone does, but i never saw another option. i say, i need life to be beautiful, and she says "i never really cared about that." she takes whatever falls into her lap, and she clings to it.
she's always taking justin's side lately, and it's changing her. she's always hiding away with him, begging for sex or any sort of affection. she's complying to everything he asks for, directly or otherwise, and she's so gone from this world, and so far away from herself. i don't understand her obsession with him.
i miss her. i usually adore her, but lately she's so empty and cold towards me, so irritating and frustrating. i try to talk to her, to tell her what's on my mind, to get some sort of repsonse out of her, but i get nothing, or at least nothing good. where have you gone?

and as for justin, every day i loathe him more.
it's not just that he's extremely fucking annoying and stupid and lacking in concern for the wellbeing of others. it's more than that.
it's just not fair. for example, he has company stay for over a week without my or amy's permission, and when i say i don't like it, amanda acts like i'm the biggest bitch in the world, like i've got some personal vendetta against her. i say i'm uncomfortable with it, that i don't like adam very much, she tells me justin doesn't like me, why? i don't know, probably just to be mean, because my being assertive is offensive somehow. i don't really understand. and i guess he has the right not to like me, anyone does, but i never did a damn thing to him.
and i've been putting up with his sexual harassment since the day we moved in. the way he looks at me, talks to me, he's doing it on purpose. he's not hitting on me, and i doubt he'd actually physically harm me, but he's manipulating me. he invades my space, says fucked up things about me, to me, asks extremely personal questions, trying to make me feel uncomfortable, unsafe, helpless and meek. terrorizing my sexuality, demeaning me, objectifying and lowering my humanity. he stands next to me and i cower. he does the same to amy. he's trying to conquer us. and he does it quietly, so he can deny it, so amanda can deny it, so everyone can deny it but his victims. and hell, even we try to deny it.
he is not a good person.
i loathe him. he repulses me.
i hate living with someone like him, with that smug face, those beady eyes, that sick, perverted stare. you don't look at another person like that. amanda must just love the idea of him, because i'm pretty sure he himself is not actually loveable.

i've actually thought a little bit about moving out. it wouldn't be terribly difficult to find an appartment, it'd just be inconvenient and more expensive and lonely. but then again, i'm already lonely.
and if i moved, amy would move, because she hates it here, too. she hates him like i do. if justin wasn't here, everything would be so much better. amanda would still be nice and interesting, and none of us would feel conquered or helpless, i wouldn't have to be so goddamned angry all the time. i cry a lot, but only a tiny bit at a time and we all ignore it.
and if amy and i moved, amanda and justin would be screwed because there's no way they could afford to live here just the two of them. we'd all have to move.
it's nice to think of having that power.
but i don't want to move, that would ruin my friendship with amanda completely. i don't want to betray her. i still want to be her friend, i really care about her, i think she's a beautiful person, she gets excited over pink trees and laughs easily and enjoys being reckless with me, or, at least, she did. i just wish justin would go live in south africa for the rest of his life, so he would stop tainting her.

we all just need to do some soul searching and some life changing.
it frustrates me endlessly that amanda won't even try.
i'm trying to fucking hard, i'm caring so fucking much, and she's justin's little bobblehead doll, yet another voice telling me i should just give in. this is why i used to really hate people who drank and used drugs, because for a little while they didn't have to care, and i always have to care. it seems not even drugs can numb it for me, i don't know why.
and i feel so trapped in my life, waking up at six in the morning every day, knowing this is just the tip of the iceberg. everything hurts my head and my heart, but i can't explain it, am i just overdramatic? they say that things will get better but i'm so sick of waiting and i just want to know how to fix it myself, right now, but no one will tell me. sometimes i feel so tired and frustrated, so hopeless and helpless, that it's tempting to just give in, learn to cope...

but i believe in something beautiful...
Current Mood:
discontent discontent
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everyone, meet prudence, my new best friend.





(hedgehog in a glove)
Current Mood:
peaceful peaceful
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prudence the hedgehog.
Current Mood:
cheerful cheerful
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so pretty much, i adore my hair. but...Collapse )

i'll stop rambling. now for pictures! sorry about the largeness, i'm technologically retarded.

first, here's an extremely unflattering and slightly terrifying picture of me, but it about sums up how i feel about my hair (and usually, life in general):
eeeeekCollapse )

and here's the rest.Collapse )
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last night (well, today, technically) i had such an awful dream.
i can't really remember the details.
but i think it involved harriet the spy at first. but that was before it turned into one of those screaming, hysterical nightmares.
and then i woke up and cried, and that's never happened to me before. not since i was a baby, i imagine.
and then i couldn't bear to do anything but pretend i did not exist, so i lay there for hours, only half conscious, until i could no longer deny that i was awake. 

i've got a dream of your face
that scares me awake
i put too much on my table
and now i got too much a stake

i'm so constantly afraid of being devastated. i've got a list of top fears and i panic about them constantly. i've got a list of things i cannot bear to lose, and i am so afraid. 

(i remember when i first heard this song, and i played it a lot, i had one of those pseudo-good days. i was happy as long as i shut my eyes and plugged my ears, i was in such a good mood as long as i looked the other way and laughed loud enough to drown out the sound of my breaking heart. i remember the sweater i wore and the papers i touched and the slightly dampened look of my home. i remember the funny videos and the two of them, holding hands, and i crawled through the window and laughed along with them. it was right about now. it was right about valentine's day, and a big red bear sat on the futon.)

i'm too in love to feel safe. it's nothing new, but it's intensified. i'm petrified.
everything that makes me happiest has the potential to make me saddest.
my internal organs might just get up and leave me one of these days. and it's not like i don't treat them fairly well.
it's not like i don't try.

i have no sense of control of my life anymore. my happiness...it used to be my decision, and now it's everyone else's.
sometimes i reconsider my stance on self destruction, but i can't come up with any real justifications. it's just that i don't really know what else to do. but i know better, though i can't remember why, so i don't do anything at all. i just listen to seven drunken kids giggling in the room next to me, and i stare at the screen and wonder why i'm laughing when i don't even think it's funny.
it was a lot easier when i was sixteen and thought i wanted to die. i mean, suicidal thoughts were such a comfort.
now i know i don't want to die, so i just have to deal with the fact that i so endlessly exist. i have to know that no matter how miserable i am, if something was after me, i'd still run.

Then before and now once more I’m bouncing round the room
That time and once again I'm bouncing around the room

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if disney had made snow white a lesbian. 
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i hate waiting.
i hate regina spector.
i hate food.
i hate caring.
i hate being sad.
i hate being angry.
i hate being bored.
i hate waiting.
i hate waiting.
i hate waiting.
i hate wishful thinking.


i need to know. i need to know right this very second. i need to know right now.  
i need to know. please.

Current Mood:
drunk crazed
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my broken heart is boring me.
misery is tedious.

the only taste i want is sour, the only color i want is bright.
all the sad songs, they're just pissing me off. all the angry songs, they're rubbing me wrong. all the happy songs, they don't move me today.
i want to move, move, move.

i need to laugh a little harder,
need to get the blood rushing to my face, need to walk at a faster pace.
don't make me wait, don't make me wait a minute longer.

Current Mood:
aggravated ansty
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