sometimes i have a strange longing for some kind of spiritual revolution in my life.
i dream of finding my place, of feeling at home, and even more importantly, feeling glad to be there.
some sort of peace i don't have within myself, i imagine myself finding it one day. i picture the world and all its colors, melting together before my eyes. i remember every feeling i've ever experienced, and i imagine it all flowing through me at once, surging out of my eyes and my mouth, radiating from this physical body, nothing else would matter. i could writhe and convulse, i could dance and twirl, i could inhale and exhale, all of it will be the same to me. powerful, intoxicating, out of my hands, but i'll still matter. so much more than i do now.
and all the questions i don't even know to ask, they'll be answered.
most importantly, i will feel the definition of everything. words would escape me. thoughts would be so irrelevant i won't even notice them.
my faith in beauty will be reignited.
other times i think i'd be willing to settle for a new role in this dumb game,
just to spend some time pretending. if only i could be convincing.
sociopaths probably have more fun.
I used to dream of that long ago. When I was a child and before my hormones and loneliness had me dreaming of someone to hold me at night. I used to dream of adventures and revelations and beautiful things. I do dream of those now, but they torment me so badly; my actual dreams that I have at night are so real I wake up reaching out for someone who's hundreds of miles away and I roll over and just cry a lot.
They might, who knows? I wanna cuddle with you when I see you. I've been wanting to do that for a long time and I wanna cuddle you. I have decided this. Don't try to escape it!