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i want it my way.

i'm sick of pretending i don't mind. i don't like your way. i don't like your way at all. in fact, i think your way is FUCKING STUPID.

i just want people to go along with what i say, instead of me going along with what everyone else says. and sometimes i get so fucking sick of it that i just get really bitchy and start insulting everyone's opinion.
and that's not right.
i'm just sick of passing up mine.

and i try to give my little suggestions, the nice way, but people don't ever listen to me when i say things nicely. "maybe we should do this" is always answered by "hey, let's do SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY!"

why must i always choose between doormat and bitch? i want to be a nice person, but with a say in things.

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amy's ex boyfriend is dead.
he was a dick to her, and in a sense she hated him. but she loved him for two years before that.
it's so...weird...to think of someone our age, just...dead. i never met him. but it's still so bizarre and hard to comprehend. i try to comfort her, but i don't even know how she feels.
and sometimes i think about how i would feel if lisa died. and i just can't imagine.
she's weird and thinks we're friends and randomly texts me.
and i'm torn between ignoring her for my own sake and being civil, also for my own sake.
and sometimes i think about how i would feel if my dad died. it's hard to know.
but people are frustrating and keep saying he's normal, keep saying he's sane.
last i heard, he's "coherent and depressed".
they send me his address, in case i'd like to write.

what is there to say?

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i hate how, when something bad happens and you say "i'm sorry"
and they say "it's okay, it's not your fault"
and you KNOW it's not your fault, it's just that...you don't know what other words to say to express what you mean to say.

1 : feeling sorrow, regret, or penitence
2 : mournful , sad
3 : inspiring sorrow, pity, scorn, or ridicule : pitiful

sorry doesn't necessarily mean you're admitting fault. can't it just mean that i'm sad it happened to you?

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i'm feeling dedicated.
sometimes, though, i wish i could just spontaneously take off. hop on that bus full of grimy strangers, and don't look back.
i'm torn between securing happiness in my life and having a life worth retelling.

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life is filled with so many choices, and they're overwhelming me.
doormat or bitch, love or hate, kindness or avoidance, tenderness or cruelty, healing or bitterness, devotion or spontaneity, fast or slow, safe or risky, this wish or that hope, forgiveness or grudges, giving in or staying strong, skill or calling, letting go or clinging harder, want or need, beauty or indulgence, resistance or obedience, objective or subjective, black and white or gray, destruction or creation, right or wrong, now or never.
Current Mood:
anxious anxious
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[User Picture]
On November 12th, 2008 08:01 pm (UTC), dead_inside13 commented:
I know what you mean. Always having to check your step just t make sure even though the person in front of you keeps looking back, saying "cummon, step up" but you're so terrified you'll step on their feet and they'll hate you for all time.
Past is weird. It is. It touches so many things. People we'll never even know we hate and we admire and we envy-blah blah blah.
I miss you so much. I want to hold onto your knees and just cry and then you can switch positions and we'll make no sense and just be bundles of pure emotions exploding into space.
I don't know I don't make any sense I'm sorry.
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