i'm not gay?

yesterday: there's a fine line between...well, most things, and i'm trying to walk it. time distortion
today: striped pants, over-indulgence
tomorrow: wish i knew
overall: you snooze, you lose. so why can't i wake up?

sometimes i have a strange longing for some kind of spiritual revolution in my life.
i dream of finding my place, of feeling at home, and even more importantly, feeling glad to be there.
some sort of peace i don't have within myself, i imagine myself finding it one day. i picture the world and all its colors, melting together before my eyes. i remember every feeling i've ever experienced, and i imagine it all flowing through me at once, surging out of my eyes and my mouth, radiating from this physical body, nothing else would matter. i could writhe and convulse, i could dance and twirl, i could inhale and exhale, all of it will be the same to me. powerful, intoxicating, out of my hands, but i'll still matter. so much more than i do now.
and all the questions i don't even know to ask, they'll be answered.
most importantly, i will feel the definition of everything. words would escape me. thoughts would be so irrelevant i won't even notice them.
my faith in beauty will be reignited.



other times i think i'd be willing to settle for a new role in this dumb game,
just to spend some time pretending. if only i could be convincing.

sociopaths probably have more fun.

i had a good birthday after all.

my friends here took me out to dinner. they paid for my meal and dessert, and the waiter gave me free ice cream, yay! and christine made me cupcakes. :)
and i got lovely presents, and flowers from prudence, and very sweet cards.
i love them all and i'm glad to have them.
i have such good friends.

now i have to write a 5-7 page paper on methadone.
i'm so fucking tired.
procrastination, my worst habit.
i wish i had some adderall. i need some motivation and energyyy.

Nighttime will be falling soon

Falling off the silver spoon

From a dream you come alive

Just to feel the evening as you rise

Well there’s one to give and one to take

From asleep you come awake

To the colors all around the room

And the rising of the painted moon

Yeah, take a look around you as you open up your mind

Everything around you makes your eyes shine

Look and you will know

What the secret wants to show

Where the daylight never goes

And tomorrow will never know

To be outside staring at the sky

Across the darkened hills you fly

Over mountains into mist

Onwards to the catalyst

Yeah, take a look around you as you open up your mind

Everything around you makes your eyes shine

Look and you will know

What the secret wants to show

Where the daylight never goes

And tomorrow will never know

Well the winds of change are blowing soon

They make the patterns on the painted moon

Hey there, mister dinosaur

You really could not ask for more

Well the season’s wearing to an end

Let them wear away my only friend

We’ll have time gather and make room

As we dance beneath the painted moon

Yeah, take a look around you as you open up your mind

Everything around you makes your eyes shine

Look and you will know

What the secret wants to know

Where the daylight never goes

And tomorrow will never know

this song makes me feel better about life.

i want it my way.

i'm sick of pretending i don't mind. i don't like your way. i don't like your way at all. in fact, i think your way is FUCKING STUPID.

i just want people to go along with what i say, instead of me going along with what everyone else says. and sometimes i get so fucking sick of it that i just get really bitchy and start insulting everyone's opinion.
and that's not right.
i'm just sick of passing up mine.

and i try to give my little suggestions, the nice way, but people don't ever listen to me when i say things nicely. "maybe we should do this" is always answered by "hey, let's do SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY!"

why must i always choose between doormat and bitch? i want to be a nice person, but with a say in things.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

amy's ex boyfriend is dead.
he was a dick to her, and in a sense she hated him. but she loved him for two years before that.
it's so...weird...to think of someone our age, just...dead. i never met him. but it's still so bizarre and hard to comprehend. i try to comfort her, but i don't even know how she feels.
and sometimes i think about how i would feel if lisa died. and i just can't imagine.
she's weird and thinks we're friends and randomly texts me.
and i'm torn between ignoring her for my own sake and being civil, also for my own sake.
and sometimes i think about how i would feel if my dad died. it's hard to know.
but people are frustrating and keep saying he's normal, keep saying he's sane.
last i heard, he's "coherent and depressed".
they send me his address, in case i'd like to write.

what is there to say?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

i hate how, when something bad happens and you say "i'm sorry"
and they say "it's okay, it's not your fault"
and you KNOW it's not your fault, it's just that...you don't know what other words to say to express what you mean to say.

1 : feeling sorrow, regret, or penitence
2 : mournful , sad
3 : inspiring sorrow, pity, scorn, or ridicule : pitiful

sorry doesn't necessarily mean you're admitting fault. can't it just mean that i'm sad it happened to you?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

i'm feeling dedicated.
sometimes, though, i wish i could just spontaneously take off. hop on that bus full of grimy strangers, and don't look back.
i'm torn between securing happiness in my life and having a life worth retelling.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

life is filled with so many choices, and they're overwhelming me.
doormat or bitch, love or hate, kindness or avoidance, tenderness or cruelty, healing or bitterness, devotion or spontaneity, fast or slow, safe or risky, this wish or that hope, forgiveness or grudges, giving in or staying strong, skill or calling, letting go or clinging harder, want or need, beauty or indulgence, resistance or obedience, objective or subjective, black and white or gray, destruction or creation, right or wrong, now or never.

i just realized
that i still miss you
terribly.

sad tomato.

Pas des nuages dans mes orages
Il pleut, je vole mon hydravion dans la banque
On descende avec le Dow Jones
Quand les nuages descendent, on va, on Rocafella
On vole plus haut que le temps
Et G5 sont mieux
Un antipation, pour le précipitation. Empilés les puces pour le jour de pluie
Ouias, l’homme de pluie est retourné avec la petite Mademoiselle Soleil
Rihanna, où est-ce que tu?

Tu as mon cœur
Et on ne sera jamais dans les mondes séparé
Peut-etre dans les magazines
Mais tu seras toujours mon étoile
Parce que, amour, dans le noir
Tu ne peux pas voir les voitures brillantes
C’est le moment quand tu m’a besoin
Avec toi, je vais partager toujours
Parce que

Quand le soleil brille, nous brillerons ensemble
Je t’ai dit, je vais être ici pour toujours
Dit que je vais être une amie pour toujours
A pris un serment, je vais rester jusqu’à la fin
Et il pleut plus que jamais
Tu sais que nous nous avons toujours
Tu peux rester sous mon parapluie
Tu peux rester sous mon parapluie
(pluie, pluie, ie, ie, ie)
Sous mon parapluie
(Pluie, pluie, ie, ie, ie)
Sous mon parapluie
(Pluie, pluie, ie, ie, ie, ie, ie, ie)

Ces choses chers, ne vont pas venir entre nous
Tu es une pièce de mon entité, ici pour infini
Lorsque la guerre a détruit sa part
Quand le monde a joué ses jeux
Si la main est blesse, nous allons réparer ton cœur
Parce que

Quand le soleil brille, nous brillerons ensemble
Je t’ai dit, je vais être ici pour toujours
Dit que je vais être une amie pour toujours
A pris un serment, je vais rester jusqu’à la fin
Et il pleut plus que jamais
Tu sais que nous nous avons toujours
Tu peux rester sous mon parapluie
Tu peux rester sous mon parapluie
(pluie, pluie, ie, ie, ie)
Sous mon parapluie
(Pluie, pluie, ie, ie, ie)
Sous mon parapluie
(Pluie, pluie, ie, ie, ie, ie, ie, ie)

Tu peux rester dans mes bras
C’est OK, n’as pas de peur
Viens à moi
Il n’y a pas de distance entre notre amour
Il pleut plus en plus
Je serai tout que tu a besoin, et plus
Parce que

Quand le soleil brille, nous brillerons ensemble
Je t’ai dit, je vais être ici pour toujours
Dit que je vais être une amie pour toujours
A pris un serment, je vais rester jusqu’à la fin
Et il pleut plus que jamais
Tu sais que nous nous avons toujours
Tu peux rester sous mon parapluie
Tu peux rester sous mon parapluie
(pluie, pluie, ie, ie, ie)
Sous mon parapluie
(Pluie, pluie, ie, ie, ie)
Sous mon parapluie
(Pluie, pluie, ie, ie, ie, ie, ie, ie)

Il pleut
Mon amour, il pleut
Mon amour, viens à moi
Viens à moi
Il pleut
Mon amour, il pleut


(it was funnier in my head, i think).

it feels like i'm on a moral decline.
materialism, vanity, envy, these things are no good. i know this. but it's just so hard to shake the idea that maybe...if i was beautiful enough, life would be better, people would love me easier, i'd be wanted, i'd be appreciated, i'd get what i wanted, my heart would be less battered, and i'd matter.
do i know better? of course.
ugly people get laid, boring people still fall in love. beautiful people get old and turn ugly like everyone else. nothing gold can stay. yada yada yada. is it getting through to me? of course not.
i want that pretty face, but i can't have it so i buy a pretty dress. i want that perfect body, i don't have it but i still spend too much time looking at my own reflection, trying to see what they see, if they think i'm beautiful. nope, not yet. if ever. who loves me? no one. is it because i'm ugly? no.
but as hard and hopeless a task as it is to change how you look, it's even more difficult to change your personality. and try as you might, you can't change your soul.
would it help if i stopped looking at the ground? if i knew what to say and how to say it? if i made eye contact? if i flattered you more? if i fucked you every now and again?
i don't think i'm making my point very clear.

i'm still having so much trouble accepting the fact that i am not unique.
you kind of overdone, too, by the way.

it baffles me that she's dating him. she's supposed to be gay. and it's not like a disappointed "oh but i wanted her" kind of thing. it's just that...i feel so much more alone. am i really on this island by myself?

i read some stupid book for teens a couple years ago, by...steven levithan? i forget. anyway, there was one part that i really loved. and i still think about it. it went like this:

How To Be Alone
remember that any given moment
there are a thousand things you can love.

i try to remember that. but sometimes i forget. like how you try to be grateful for what you have, but you can't help wanting more. sometimes...sometimes i forget not to be lonely.
i used to be better at this. or maybe i just didn't know anything else.
there's nothing like the stinging welt of almost.

lately i really, really miss my mother. and it's not in a "i want to be taken care of" sort of way, because that's not what she was to me, a caregiver. i just don't feel like i could ever truly be independent from her. it's not that i need her, it's that she's part of me, so how can i walk around without her? i spent twelve years being raised by my wonderful grandmother, but the separation from my mother put my existence on hold. i feel like i didn't grow up, like i didn't exhale, like i didn't live until she came back. and now we're separated again, and i know it's different this time, but i'm taking it so hard, i feel like life is not giving me enough time with her. and all i do when she calls is make her feel bad. what's wrong with me? i don't feel real.

the vibe has gotten considerably more orange.
autumn is so welcome in my life. she warms my heart and chills my hands. she carries with her feelings of hope, anticipation, nostalgia. the leaves rustle like laughter, flutter and shimmer, and the air smells crisp and damp. fairy wings and golden trees, i am illuminated. she makes me feel in love.
but my heart is still left hanging.

i'm so not in love.

there's something so impressive in the meaningless
(and something so special in you)
you're so mundane, it's like a whirlwind high
the apathy here just reeks of enthusiasm, god knows you're easy to please
the way you bore me, it's incredible, i don't know anyone quite like you
you're plain, but sometimes i think you're pretty
when you let your brows and toenails get too wild
oh, you make me wanna dance, girl
you make me wanna spin and twirl

and the world's just so dull, i think i might not make it,
it's times like these i hope that i die laughing
hysteria amongst the tedious masses
the only thrill i get from you is your teasing hands
brushing across the skin between my hips and my dissatisfied libido
i've gotten so hard to impress and you'll settle for anything
(just not for me)
one of these days i'll fuck this all
but not today, 'cause i still find you lovely
when i close my eyes and look at you
from my too-hopeful point of view

oh, you make me wanna dance, girl
you make me wanna spin and twirl

life, it seems, will conquer me soon.
i'm not one to surrender, but i feel i'm being defeated.

the way everything feels...it's hard to explain.
i'm on a constant comedown, but i can't remember the high.
i feel rather gypped, really.

never before have i ever reached the state of desperation,
but it seems i'm reaching it now. and she calls me beautiful, says she loves me, intermittently gives me attention, and i'm so attention starved.
no one touches me, no one looks at me, no one flatters me, no one adores me, so i learn to forgive everyone in exchange for a glance in my direction.
we all have a breaking point, have i really reached mine?

i try to talk to amanda, but she doesn't understand. or she doesn't want to. i'm not sure. she says i think too much, but i've never considered myself very philosophical. she says i worry too much, everyone does, but i never saw another option. i say, i need life to be beautiful, and she says "i never really cared about that." she takes whatever falls into her lap, and she clings to it.
she's always taking justin's side lately, and it's changing her. she's always hiding away with him, begging for sex or any sort of affection. she's complying to everything he asks for, directly or otherwise, and she's so gone from this world, and so far away from herself. i don't understand her obsession with him.
i miss her. i usually adore her, but lately she's so empty and cold towards me, so irritating and frustrating. i try to talk to her, to tell her what's on my mind, to get some sort of repsonse out of her, but i get nothing, or at least nothing good. where have you gone?

and as for justin, every day i loathe him more.
it's not just that he's extremely fucking annoying and stupid and lacking in concern for the wellbeing of others. it's more than that.
it's just not fair. for example, he has company stay for over a week without my or amy's permission, and when i say i don't like it, amanda acts like i'm the biggest bitch in the world, like i've got some personal vendetta against her. i say i'm uncomfortable with it, that i don't like adam very much, she tells me justin doesn't like me, why? i don't know, probably just to be mean, because my being assertive is offensive somehow. i don't really understand. and i guess he has the right not to like me, anyone does, but i never did a damn thing to him.
and i've been putting up with his sexual harassment since the day we moved in. the way he looks at me, talks to me, he's doing it on purpose. he's not hitting on me, and i doubt he'd actually physically harm me, but he's manipulating me. he invades my space, says fucked up things about me, to me, asks extremely personal questions, trying to make me feel uncomfortable, unsafe, helpless and meek. terrorizing my sexuality, demeaning me, objectifying and lowering my humanity. he stands next to me and i cower. he does the same to amy. he's trying to conquer us. and he does it quietly, so he can deny it, so amanda can deny it, so everyone can deny it but his victims. and hell, even we try to deny it.
he is not a good person.
i loathe him. he repulses me.
i hate living with someone like him, with that smug face, those beady eyes, that sick, perverted stare. you don't look at another person like that. amanda must just love the idea of him, because i'm pretty sure he himself is not actually loveable.

i've actually thought a little bit about moving out. it wouldn't be terribly difficult to find an appartment, it'd just be inconvenient and more expensive and lonely. but then again, i'm already lonely.
and if i moved, amy would move, because she hates it here, too. she hates him like i do. if justin wasn't here, everything would be so much better. amanda would still be nice and interesting, and none of us would feel conquered or helpless, i wouldn't have to be so goddamned angry all the time. i cry a lot, but only a tiny bit at a time and we all ignore it.
and if amy and i moved, amanda and justin would be screwed because there's no way they could afford to live here just the two of them. we'd all have to move.
it's nice to think of having that power.
but i don't want to move, that would ruin my friendship with amanda completely. i don't want to betray her. i still want to be her friend, i really care about her, i think she's a beautiful person, she gets excited over pink trees and laughs easily and enjoys being reckless with me, or, at least, she did. i just wish justin would go live in south africa for the rest of his life, so he would stop tainting her.

we all just need to do some soul searching and some life changing.
it frustrates me endlessly that amanda won't even try.
i'm trying to fucking hard, i'm caring so fucking much, and she's justin's little bobblehead doll, yet another voice telling me i should just give in. this is why i used to really hate people who drank and used drugs, because for a little while they didn't have to care, and i always have to care. it seems not even drugs can numb it for me, i don't know why.
and i feel so trapped in my life, waking up at six in the morning every day, knowing this is just the tip of the iceberg. everything hurts my head and my heart, but i can't explain it, am i just overdramatic? they say that things will get better but i'm so sick of waiting and i just want to know how to fix it myself, right now, but no one will tell me. sometimes i feel so tired and frustrated, so hopeless and helpless, that it's tempting to just give in, learn to cope...

but i believe in something beautiful...

everyone, meet prudence, my new best friend.










(hedgehog in a glove)

prudence the hedgehog.
<3

so pretty much, i adore my hair. ( but... )

i'll stop rambling. now for pictures! sorry about the largeness, i'm technologically retarded.

first, here's an extremely unflattering and slightly terrifying picture of me, but it about sums up how i feel about my hair (and usually, life in general):
( eeeeek )

( and here's the rest. )

if disney had made snow white a lesbian. 

i hate waiting.
i hate regina spector.
i hate food.
i hate caring.
i hate being sad.
i hate being angry.
i hate being bored.
i hate waiting.
i hate waiting.
i hate waiting.
i hate wishful thinking.

CAN YOU PLEASE HURRY THE FUCK UP????
MY ORGANS ARE BURSTING!!!!!

i need to know. i need to know right this very second. i need to know right now.  
i need to know. please.

my broken heart is boring me.
misery is tedious.

the only taste i want is sour, the only color i want is bright.
all the sad songs, they're just pissing me off. all the angry songs, they're rubbing me wrong. all the happy songs, they don't move me today.
i want to move, move, move.

i need to laugh a little harder,
need to get the blood rushing to my face, need to walk at a faster pace.
don't make me wait, don't make me wait a minute longer.